Unspoken

I don't blog that often about serious things. Especially serious subjects that have to do with something that is private or incredibly personal to me.... I am not posting this blog to get comments of praise, how much you think of me or fishing for anything. Honestly, I am not even sure why I need to write about it, maybe self soothe.
There are a couple things that people don't generally know about me, because I hide behind, a "tough" exterior as my parents call it, humor, false confidence, and sarcasm. Today has been a "unicorn" day for me... which is code for not a very good one. I battle with severe depression everyday of my life. Some days I am really great, and other days... well not so stellar. I am usually ok at deflecting my emotions, talking myself out of crying or thinking so poorly of myself. But today, I had no such luck.
There are people that think that depression is not a real thing. These people obviously do not know someone that deals with it. Its like a light switch inside... I was driving, picking up my friends dog to babysit, and the next thing I knew I felt very upset for no apparent reason and I just couldn't stop crying. Thank the lord for big sunglasses while driving, right. This puts a incredibly vulnerable side of me out there to whoever reads this, but it is part of who I am, despite sometimes wasted efforts to feel like I "have control".
I was talking all three dogs out to potty and for a walk in the brisk canyon air, so I bundled up and put my IPOD on. Now, it's not brand new information that I am a tad obsessed with PINK, and I feel like I can identify with a lot of her songs. Her song "Sober" came on and for the first time since I have really heard it the lyrics really struck me. Pretty conducive to my day. Especially the third verse.


Sober Lyrics

I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest
Or the girl who never wants to be alone
I don't wanna be that call at four o'clock in the morning
'Cause I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home

Aahh, the sun is blinding
I stayed up again
Oohh, I am finding
That's not the way I want my story to end

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're my protection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I don't wanna be the girl who has to fill the silence...
The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth
Please don't tell me that we had that conversation
When I won't remember, save your breath, 'cause what's the use?

Aahh, the night is calling
And it whispers to me softly, "come and play"
Aahh, I am falling
And if I let myself go, I'm the only one to blame

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I'm comin' down
Comin' down
Comin' down
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Looking for myself.. Sober

Comin' down
Comin' down
Comin' down
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Looking for myself.. Sober

When it's good, then it's good, it's so good, 'till it goes bad
Till you're trying to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry
Never again
Broken down in agony
And just trying to find a friend

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?


For most people, we don't talk about things that are uncomfortable, or maybe have a particular stereo-type attached. I am by no means different, and I don't know why I decided to write this particular blog, maybe I just needed to get some things out for just me... but maybe it might help someone to think they aren't alone in the way the feel, and even if its uncomfortable, its my reality.
PS I saw Michael Jackson's THIS IS IT today, AMAZING!

Things that make ya go hmmmm....

So, as it turns out I really don't have much to say anymore. What the hell happened to me, because I really do enjoy blogging???? Well I am going to make this one kick a blog, ...well I'll try.

First things first, Everyone knows how much I despise Vegas :) So I was drug down there for over Halloween shenanigans. It was a blasty blast! This trip we stayed at the Luxor... hoping to catch a glimpse of Criss Angel Mind Freaking someone. No such luck. Jess and I drove down and Jana met us there, because she had to fly in from Reno. Even though we didn't stay at the same hotel, we met up with my friend and old roomie from the "tame" Disney days, Theresa, her sister, their friend Heather who turns out it pocket size, .... and two other people that we never saw, they just stayed in the room, LAME! We went dancing all 3 nights and had an absolute blast!! Just a little FYI for anyone trying to get into L A X at the Luxor. What.a.joke. On Halloween we waited FOREVER, and then Jana and some dude in line had words.... and as he walked past me, I threw my ice water on his feet. HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA Don't worry he didn't know it was me. Moral of the story line standers = DON'T BE A DOUCHER! Halloween was crazy there.... I mean people were literally wearing the most scandalise, risque and repulsive costumes. A girl was walking around in booty shorts (so pretty much underpants) a white fur shrug, bunny ears and PASTIES! Quit it, you can't make that shit up! Who does that, o right whores.

Now I must say this was a very educational PG trip for us (minus the fact that we were in Vegas with people 1/2 dressed for Halloween shenanigans) . We went to a Titanic Artifact Exhibit, a Body Worlds exhibit focusing on nerves and the Shark Reef at the Mandalay Bay. Then we went to Broadways production of The Lion King. See Biggie and Mama... PG. mmmmm, at least during the day time. Hahaha kidding . Both of the exhibits were reallt interesting, actually.

Here, enjoy some picture:

This we had a fabulous time!! If ya can't tell. The foot picture is us standing over the shark reef... we weren't just admiring our toesies. :)

OK, now on a business note, the holidays are coming up... & we all know that means we procrastinate.... So make sure to make your appts. for between now & New Years slightly in advance. Holiday season = Mad house in my boothe b/c, lets be honest I pretty much rock! **Side Note** A big THANKS to all my friends and clients for taking part in the Breast Cancer Awareness Month's specials. I have 3 ponytails to donate and there are a dozen+ clients and friends walking around with PINK in there hair! I will be doing something similar in February for Ovarian Cancer Month, so keep your eye's peeled.

Hmmm , what else. There are a few things bothering me these days. I would just like to know how some people end up with ZERO tact, awareness for other people and the ability to pat themselves on the back for their friendship or lack of to someone. Interesting to me is all, we are all raised differently but aren't some things just social skills? Also what's with peoples status updates on Facebook.... if you feel the need to brag ab things on a freaking social network, there probably NOT true. Just saying. Or hidden agenda "forward" emails... really? OK that's all I will bitch about for now.

O wait one more thing, Jeff gave me his black spot. It's called Impetigo.... pretty much I look like I have leprosy with all these sores on my face. Not only does it feel good but it looks aawweessoooomme. Well, the silver lining is my limbs wont fall off from leprosy since that's not my diagnosis. haha

Widowing it up in the Wendover

Hellllloooooo
Not to much has been going on... so I haven't been blogging much. However, The Crew and I (Christie, Mexican Jessica, Celina, Cellen, Casey, Farrah and I) went up to Wendover for Deer Widows. We had an absolute blast! I got sick when we first got there, from Wendy's. I think I either got a bad piece of chicken or my body isn't used to the grease in fast food. So I threw up a few times...which felt awesome on the old jaw... but after sipping on some water and Sierra Mist, curtsy of Ms. Celina, I felt loads better.
Here are some pictures that I stole from Fare's facebook page. I am just saying, we looked fabulous!
I have been cleaning out the basement the last couple weeks.... ooo lord, what I chore that is. I really did not think that through. Turns out we have A LOT of shit! And also.. a lot of spiders down there. Nice, real nice. I am trying to clear out one side so when we have our annual Halloween party this Saturday, I want people to be able to go down stairs to hang out. I still don't have a costume (boo) but Jeff however is going to be... a ... redneck. Awesome. Any ideas for me????
Well I am going to attempt to go to bed. And by attempt I mean play Monopoly on my phone because this blog is Borrrriiinng.

Joe Jackson = Dorian

SO we all know that my brain works on a very weird level... Well the other day I was thinking about much of a creepster Joe Jackson was at the VMA's and then it hit me... Joe Jackson was the villain Dorian in the Mask.... All they did was paint his mug green because look here, the resemblance is Riidiiiiicuuuuullllouuusss !!Now I went with an older, more glamorous picture of old Joe boy, I mean he even has some sweet jerry curls all greased up. He hasn't always been a money hungry creeper you guys, he once beat kids too!!! And I feel like his necklace that you can't see the bottom of in the picture, probably was gold and a scaled down version of Africa. You never see Joey boy without his Gold Medallions, you know he showers with that S on. I'm being rude... I am sure he is a lovely gent. ....On some level.... I might be the same as Howard K. Stern to Anna Nicole Smith, but on some twisted level, I am sure he's fabulous.

I was also reading Dlisted today, and he totally made the un-canny connection with the LaToya and her long lost twin...Listen... I am just saying, it's true. THANKS DLISTED for finally making that connection!!!

I love the Jacksons but holy hell, why do they all look like make-believe characters? WHY!

Turns out blue is a perfect color for Voo Doo Dolls

Well, I haven't blogged in a minute and I can't sleep so I decided it was time. Not a whole lot has been going on with me that is exciting. I freaking can't believe its already more then half way through September and the weather is changing.... Uh hi, I went outside this morning to let out the dogs and I could see my breath. Ok I totally just lied right then but, HELLO I hate the cold. BOOO. I guess the good thing is that this means that the holidays will be here before we know it. And I do quite enjoy me some holiday festivites. Really any reason to party, socialize and get all dressed up is good in my book.
So I was doing some blog stocking of people that I know, then found links on their's to other peoples blogs and so on and so on...(Most people wouldn't admit they do this but, whatever everybody does...)and so I was reading through them and it occuried to me... my blog is TOTALLY differnt, as far as what I blog about goes. People are posting about their kids, their activites via it be school or church and their spouses. Now me... I have to be different... always different. I freaking blog about Vegas, Poodles, Midgets and controversial things that I probably have my Dad shocking his head. I feel like maybe I missed a blogging class and I am some random terrets case that blogs about random shit. Oh well I guess... if I wasn't being shocking or shouting swears, people wouldn't know how to handle me... Also, it was kinda fun to see a few new people have commented on my blog that I didn't know read it. Watch out people, I am getting real popular.
Today at the salon I had a refferal client who's hair I was doing for the very first time. Well, we all know that I am awesome, not just at life but hair also... and I could tell she was a little nervous when she first came in, which I totally get. I mean it is nerve wrecking to be new in town, go to someone brand new for hair... I mean I KNOW I am fabulous, all I had to do was prove myself. Well as usual, I rocked and she told me that this was the best hair color she has ever had in her entire life (she's probably about 50). So that was a nice ego boost for me. Speaking of hair, I am just putting this out their for people interested... During the month of October which is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I am running a couple of specials:
1st ~ Anyone getting a haircut for LOCKS OF LOVE, I am giving them 50% off their haircut, making it about $10.
and 2nd ~ If you add PINK to your color service (even if its one strand) I will give you 25% off your color.
I wanted to do this last year but for some reason I spaced it completely (Shocking right). So anybody interested... let me know.
Hmmm, what else what else... O!!! I almost forgot!!! My fabulous friend Katie got me the BEST GIFT EVER in New Orleans. A freaking Voo Doo Doll!!! Listen, I haven't been so excited about a doll in a couple of decades!!! And I am so not kidding! It came with a needle to poke it with and everything!!! It has wild blue hair and is awesome, If I knew where my damn camera was I would take a picture. I have big plans for this doll, BIG PLANS! So I am just saying watch out... things are about to get real, real interesting. :)

2 Weeks to the day...

I still can't believe it...

... 2 weeks to the day, I was sitting next to my fragile, and dying Grandpa. I got a call from my Grandma that my Grandpa had taken a turn for the worst and was dying. After talking to my cousin Mechelle, we conceded that it was best for me to go up to my Aunt Robin's house, where they have been living for a little while. I feel really blessed that I was able to my last good byes to him, he didn't say much because he wasn't really able to talk very well, but when I looked into his pain filled eyes I knew that he knew how much he meant to me. Jeff, Trey and I stayed there a long time, I think I left about 1. Even though it was the last time I saw him, I will always keep with me happier and healthier times and all the smiles, hugs, and talks we shared. That was the hardest thing for me to do this far in my life... to get up from the bed next to him and know that, when I left....he would be gone. The last thing I said to him was.. I loved him, and how amazing of a man he was and if he needed to go that we would be ok and that we understand that it was his time.

Two days later... he passed away.
As I sit here balling like the emotional basket case I am (which PS is from my Grandpa... we're BIG TIME criers...) I remember the good times.. Here are just a few memories that pop out at me :
*When we lived in Denver, my Grandparents and some cousins came out to visit. One afternoon he was reading the paper at the table, where my cousin was sitting with him... and I over hear my Grandpa say to Ryan..."hey Ryan, there is a concert in here for the Bare Naked Ladies, we should go to that!"... My cousin replies to him, "Grandpa... they're a band, they aren't naked and they are men.."
*2 years ago, he had taken a turn for the worst and all the family was asked to come to the nursing home he was staying at (For a surgery I believe), we all spent the night hanging out there, even had our family Christmas Party there that night in their dining area. There was just a couple people in his room at one point during the Christmas gathering, including Mary and I and he started talking about his favorite song, which happened to be the one they danced to at his wedding. And through all his pain and suffering he began to sing to us... it was just a few moments, but it was an incredibly moving moment. He loved to sing and was a wonderful singer...
*In high school, I went up one afternoon to their home to visit and after I visited with my Grandma, she told me to go say hi to my Grandpa, who was in the basement. He was always in the basement working on one of his MANY projects. This particular day he had cut out a bunch of wood to make tigers and was painting them. He was an incredible painter and artist...truly amazing. So I went down their to find him painting away, listening to the an AM radio station with songs from the 30's and 40's and he told me to get a chair, and he and I painted Tigers. Not a lot was said, we didn't need to, we were enjoying each others company. I don't know why this memory was so significant to me, but it was nice to be doing something he loved, together.
*In Good old Marshall, MN.. they do things weird. At their High School graduation's they ask you to keep all applause and cheering to the very end, which isn't weird but the fact that EVERYONE listens and doesn't make a peep, is weird. Now seriously... like you could hear a pin drop. Its real, real weird. Well, when Mary Rose graduated my Grandpa and I thought that was crap, so in the dead silence of an ALL TO SERIOUS high school graduation.. they call her name and Grandpa and I jumped up and cheered... it was awesome and yes people shook their heads... We didn't care.

His services were wonderful, and it was nice to be able to connect with my immediate and extended family and spend time with my amazing Grandma. She is handling everything so well.. the day of the funeral I saw her that morning for the first time since he passed and she told me that she felt like she was the one that died.... Her and I shared some tears and she completed it with "He really was an amazing man.." He really was.
Thank you to everyone for being so supportive and caring during all of this. I feel so grateful to have an amazing family and incredible friends. A few of my best friends came out to the viewing and the funeral.. I tried to tell them it was ok, but they really wanted to show their support...even though 2 of them had never met my Grandpa. So thank you guys for being so great, and out of the goodness of your hearts, attending. I don't know how I obtained such fabulous friends! Also, thanks to Jeff's family who all came to the viewing and then to the funeral... They are so great to me and so supportive to not only me, but my family as well, I feel very fortunate to have married into that family. And to my family immediate, and extended... it was nice to all be there and remember him as a family, because to my Grandpa, family was everything. I love you all... and thanks for putting up with a serious blog, ......... doesn't happen to often.

PS I am posting some pictures my sister Steph took at the grave site, there is a really good one of a Vet playing to TAPS since he is a veteran, a sweet one of Aleece watching the grave dedication and one of my sweet, loving Grandma...
PPS... to my cousins that tell me they "blog stalk" me... you can comment ya know :)

Sin City and my withdrawls....

I was listening to this song and it made me seriously home sick... for Vegas....
I am going over Halloween to meet up with my old roommate from Disney days Theresa. She lives in Jersey....and yes she loves Bon Jovi but no on the awesomely big hair. Anyways, she told me like damn close to a year ago that she was going and I should go down there to see her. Well, HHHeeelllooo, if your new, Any excuse to go to Vegas is great, but I am seriously STOKED to see my old partner in crime T. I miss her crazy, red-haired face.







So, anybody that wants to go, I am awesome at Vegas... and lets be honest, life. Seriously, ask anybody who's been with me, they'll tell you. You know who else is good at Vegas, they Thompson sisters. I like to make friends with bouncers at clubs, crazy cabbies and Europeans who I give nicknames to. Hey Clubby.... I am feeling very reminiscent if ya can't tell...