Unspoken

I don't blog that often about serious things. Especially serious subjects that have to do with something that is private or incredibly personal to me.... I am not posting this blog to get comments of praise, how much you think of me or fishing for anything. Honestly, I am not even sure why I need to write about it, maybe self soothe.
There are a couple things that people don't generally know about me, because I hide behind, a "tough" exterior as my parents call it, humor, false confidence, and sarcasm. Today has been a "unicorn" day for me... which is code for not a very good one. I battle with severe depression everyday of my life. Some days I am really great, and other days... well not so stellar. I am usually ok at deflecting my emotions, talking myself out of crying or thinking so poorly of myself. But today, I had no such luck.
There are people that think that depression is not a real thing. These people obviously do not know someone that deals with it. Its like a light switch inside... I was driving, picking up my friends dog to babysit, and the next thing I knew I felt very upset for no apparent reason and I just couldn't stop crying. Thank the lord for big sunglasses while driving, right. This puts a incredibly vulnerable side of me out there to whoever reads this, but it is part of who I am, despite sometimes wasted efforts to feel like I "have control".
I was talking all three dogs out to potty and for a walk in the brisk canyon air, so I bundled up and put my IPOD on. Now, it's not brand new information that I am a tad obsessed with PINK, and I feel like I can identify with a lot of her songs. Her song "Sober" came on and for the first time since I have really heard it the lyrics really struck me. Pretty conducive to my day. Especially the third verse.


Sober Lyrics

I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest
Or the girl who never wants to be alone
I don't wanna be that call at four o'clock in the morning
'Cause I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home

Aahh, the sun is blinding
I stayed up again
Oohh, I am finding
That's not the way I want my story to end

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're my protection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I don't wanna be the girl who has to fill the silence...
The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth
Please don't tell me that we had that conversation
When I won't remember, save your breath, 'cause what's the use?

Aahh, the night is calling
And it whispers to me softly, "come and play"
Aahh, I am falling
And if I let myself go, I'm the only one to blame

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I'm comin' down
Comin' down
Comin' down
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Looking for myself.. Sober

Comin' down
Comin' down
Comin' down
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Looking for myself.. Sober

When it's good, then it's good, it's so good, 'till it goes bad
Till you're trying to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry
Never again
Broken down in agony
And just trying to find a friend

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?


For most people, we don't talk about things that are uncomfortable, or maybe have a particular stereo-type attached. I am by no means different, and I don't know why I decided to write this particular blog, maybe I just needed to get some things out for just me... but maybe it might help someone to think they aren't alone in the way the feel, and even if its uncomfortable, its my reality.
PS I saw Michael Jackson's THIS IS IT today, AMAZING!

Things that make ya go hmmmm....

So, as it turns out I really don't have much to say anymore. What the hell happened to me, because I really do enjoy blogging???? Well I am going to make this one kick a blog, ...well I'll try.

First things first, Everyone knows how much I despise Vegas :) So I was drug down there for over Halloween shenanigans. It was a blasty blast! This trip we stayed at the Luxor... hoping to catch a glimpse of Criss Angel Mind Freaking someone. No such luck. Jess and I drove down and Jana met us there, because she had to fly in from Reno. Even though we didn't stay at the same hotel, we met up with my friend and old roomie from the "tame" Disney days, Theresa, her sister, their friend Heather who turns out it pocket size, .... and two other people that we never saw, they just stayed in the room, LAME! We went dancing all 3 nights and had an absolute blast!! Just a little FYI for anyone trying to get into L A X at the Luxor. What.a.joke. On Halloween we waited FOREVER, and then Jana and some dude in line had words.... and as he walked past me, I threw my ice water on his feet. HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA Don't worry he didn't know it was me. Moral of the story line standers = DON'T BE A DOUCHER! Halloween was crazy there.... I mean people were literally wearing the most scandalise, risque and repulsive costumes. A girl was walking around in booty shorts (so pretty much underpants) a white fur shrug, bunny ears and PASTIES! Quit it, you can't make that shit up! Who does that, o right whores.

Now I must say this was a very educational PG trip for us (minus the fact that we were in Vegas with people 1/2 dressed for Halloween shenanigans) . We went to a Titanic Artifact Exhibit, a Body Worlds exhibit focusing on nerves and the Shark Reef at the Mandalay Bay. Then we went to Broadways production of The Lion King. See Biggie and Mama... PG. mmmmm, at least during the day time. Hahaha kidding . Both of the exhibits were reallt interesting, actually.

Here, enjoy some picture:

This we had a fabulous time!! If ya can't tell. The foot picture is us standing over the shark reef... we weren't just admiring our toesies. :)

OK, now on a business note, the holidays are coming up... & we all know that means we procrastinate.... So make sure to make your appts. for between now & New Years slightly in advance. Holiday season = Mad house in my boothe b/c, lets be honest I pretty much rock! **Side Note** A big THANKS to all my friends and clients for taking part in the Breast Cancer Awareness Month's specials. I have 3 ponytails to donate and there are a dozen+ clients and friends walking around with PINK in there hair! I will be doing something similar in February for Ovarian Cancer Month, so keep your eye's peeled.

Hmmm , what else. There are a few things bothering me these days. I would just like to know how some people end up with ZERO tact, awareness for other people and the ability to pat themselves on the back for their friendship or lack of to someone. Interesting to me is all, we are all raised differently but aren't some things just social skills? Also what's with peoples status updates on Facebook.... if you feel the need to brag ab things on a freaking social network, there probably NOT true. Just saying. Or hidden agenda "forward" emails... really? OK that's all I will bitch about for now.

O wait one more thing, Jeff gave me his black spot. It's called Impetigo.... pretty much I look like I have leprosy with all these sores on my face. Not only does it feel good but it looks aawweessoooomme. Well, the silver lining is my limbs wont fall off from leprosy since that's not my diagnosis. haha