Monday, November 16, 2009

Unspoken



I don't blog that often about serious things. Especially serious subjects that have to do with something that is private or incredibly personal to me.... I am not posting this blog to get comments of praise, how much you think of me or fishing for anything. Honestly, I am not even sure why I need to write about it, maybe self soothe.

There are a couple things that people don't generally know about me, because I hide behind, a "tough" exterior as my parents call it, humor, false confidence, and sarcasm. Today has been a "unicorn" day for me... which is code for not a very good one. I battle with severe depression everyday of my life. Some days I am really great, and other days... well not so stellar. I am usually ok at deflecting my emotions, talking myself out of crying or thinking so poorly of myself. But today, I had no such luck.
There are people that think that depression is not a real thing. These people obviously do not know someone that deals with it. Its like a light switch inside... I was driving, picking up my friends dog to babysit, and the next thing I knew I felt very upset for no apparent reason and I just couldn't stop crying. Thank the lord for big sunglasses while driving, right. This puts a incredibly vulnerable side of me out there to whoever reads this, but it is part of who I am, despite sometimes wasted efforts to feel like I "have control".
I was talking all three dogs out to potty and for a walk in the brisk canyon air, so I bundled up and put my IPOD on. Now, it's not brand new information that I am a tad obsessed with PINK, and I feel like I can identify with a lot of her songs. Her song "Sober" came on and for the first time since I have really heard it the lyrics really struck me. Pretty conducive to my day. Especially the third verse.


Sober Lyrics

I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest
Or the girl who never wants to be alone
I don't wanna be that call at four o'clock in the morning
'Cause I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home

Aahh, the sun is blinding
I stayed up again
Oohh, I am finding
That's not the way I want my story to end

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're my protection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I don't wanna be the girl who has to fill the silence...
The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth
Please don't tell me that we had that conversation
When I won't remember, save your breath, 'cause what's the use?

Aahh, the night is calling
And it whispers to me softly, "come and play"
Aahh, I am falling
And if I let myself go, I'm the only one to blame

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I'm comin' down
Comin' down
Comin' down
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Looking for myself.. Sober

Comin' down
Comin' down
Comin' down
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Looking for myself.. Sober

When it's good, then it's good, it's so good, 'till it goes bad
Till you're trying to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry
Never again
Broken down in agony
And just trying to find a friend

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?


For most people, we don't talk about things that are uncomfortable, or maybe have a particular stereo-type attached. I am by no means different, and I don't know why I decided to write this particular blog, maybe I just needed to get some things out for just me... but maybe it might help someone to think they aren't alone in the way the feel, and even if its uncomfortable, its my reality.
PS I saw Michael Jackson's THIS IS IT today, AMAZING!

11 comments:

Christie said...

I love you, and I am here for you always.

mamasteph said...

Oh sister. I hope you know you can call me anytime...even if you just need someone to listen to you cry! I love you forever sis! I hope tomorrow is better!

Trey said...

you're still a very strong woman sis!

The Brady Bunch said...

You are such an amazing person Katchie. I've walked that same road since I was in high school, my mom has extreme depression, and my husband Drew is finally figuring out why he's been so "angry and emotional" his whole life...you are not alone. I love you and I honestly think the world of you. I'm the kind of person that needs to sit and listen to music or exercise, or just simply sit it out and cry. If you every need anything, I'm here. I hope you have LOTS of good days and when the unicorn days come knocking, don't give up cause another day is just a few hours away. Lots of love!!

Shelley said...

I think you are a wonderful person. Depression runs in my family, so I know it is totally real and very hard. If you ever need anything, we are all here for you.

Kim said...

We love you! I think you are brave for blogging about this...a VERY real but taboo issue...some times it helps just to get it out there. Know that we are here for you if you need anything.

Celina Sue said...

Whether you know it or not your an amazing person. We all may not say it enough but, I'm here if you need me, (Even if its a good day) Should you ever feel alone, sad, hurt, scared, or like you cant stop from falling, I'll be there to pick you up. Your an amazing friend to me, and I hope you know I would do anything for you. Even if its just to sit and listen. Love you Katch.

TheKillerJ said...

:(

browneyedgirl said...

OK so maybe I am a little emotional today, but that blog made me cry. I freaking hate the unicorn days! I love you sister! I wish we were a tad closer! I love that song too, it is so raw and real. Love you.

Kati said...

Damn the "unicorn" days. Hang in there lady---I all to well understand stupid depression! You are an amazing woman and can make it through! I still want to try and get together with you and Jess...I miss you girls STILL!

Theresa said...

I know you're a strong woman, even if some days it's harder to feel that way. I feel privileged to have spent 4 months being your roomie and getting know you so well. I love every part of who you are and don't forge it!