Monday, March 23, 2009

6 feet.... really?

Ok... where to start... Well, for those of you that don't know, a few weeks ago I had a scare that in turn landed me in Urgent Care... then a doctors office upstairs in Urgent Care....then a specialist... then a colonoscopy today. They needed to see if I had colon cancer.... WHICH I DON'T!!! I could not be more happy today!! Now that I am in the clear, I thought where else would be a better place to share my horrific experiences then on my blog... Perfect. This has been a very uncomfortable, and now that it is over... at some point humorous event. ** Viewer discretion advised**

Now... let's first start with the most humiliating experience of my life, the doctors office. Ya know.... I wont go into details with anything but by the time I left, I had fished through the toilet for a stool sample, carried the bowl with sample back through the office in an open bowl, figured out I didn't put the sample in the right thing, felt like a complete jack ass, had a complete stranger violate me, and cried so much while giving blood that I made the nurse cry. Mortifying... and only now can I laugh at myself not getting the sample thing right.
Next, a week later... I have to go to a specialist. Hmmmm.... not a to bad experience... I guess for discussing with a complete stranger my B.M. tendencies. I had to meet with a very small older man, wearing ugly black nurse shoes who was the office P.A. He actually was very nice... all things considered. But in the end... said what I was dreading... Colonoscopy. Really... because I am 24! SHIT! (no pun intended there)
2 weeks go by.... they call me with my time and tell me I can go pick up my prep kit at the pharmacy. So Sunday, I drank nothing but clear liquids and had Popsicles. What a lovely diet. Only to in turn be in the bathroom for a better part of a few hours. You guys, I am just saying... If you saw Sex and the City the movie... I almost had a few Charlotte moment... yikes.
The day comes.... now by this point, I am seriously dragging ass. No food for 36 hours... pretty much bare minimum sleep for the past three weeks stewing about this event. I was anxious to know results and scared for the worst. Cancer. I know that all the odds were in my favor but in the back of my mind... I was so scared that I am not sure how I functioned the last 3 weeks. Poor Jeff... He has been so wonderful to put up with me being an emotional roller coaster these past weeks. So, we go check in at the G I Lab, this was going to take me longer then most because I am having gas anesthesia because I don't do needles... and for colonoscopy's they usually just do a sedation thingy, but oh no, not for me. Don't worry EVERYONE in the waiting room was 60+, and either wearing not cute flannel, had a mullet or I am pretty sure not all there. And of course I am already crying because lets be honest... I am a freaking basket case when it comes to anything medical. Yeah I am a total ass. So, they take me back and the nurse explains to me they will be sticking 6 FEET OF SCOPE up through my intestines. Yeah, Hi... 6 feet.... that is a person, so I start to ball. The poor nurse... she gives me hospital get up to change into and closes the door aaaannnnnnddd again start the water works. I put it on and I know that shit is on size fits all, but apparently OSFA is for 400 pounders. Had to hold my pants up and my top together. The socks were very comfortable. Yeah I brought those babies home. Anyways, we open the door and a nurse walks by and see's I a mess so she comes in and gives me a hug and some warm blankets. She is talking to me about the procedure and everything, I ask how often they do gas anesthesia for people and they lady tells me..."Well, we have had a few people have it so your not the first. It's usually people that are mentally handicapped that don't understand IV's." Jeff and I busted up laughing, which at this point I really needed. So I said Oh great I am lumped now into the mental disorder category. That girl was back tracking like you wouldn't believe... I wasn't insulted though. I know she wasn't saying that about me. It was pretty funny. SO Jeff and I part ways and they take me back to the room. Turns out one of the RN's is a girl I knew from Pleasant View. Oh good, somebody I know will be in there while a complete stranger sticks a camera in my ass... charming. Then the doctor came in. Now, I have never met this man before because when I went to their office before I met with the PA. Apparently in the GI lab they are pretty casual because he wasn't in scrubs. Dude comes in straight up in a flannel and jeans with this lumber jack beard. Real professional, looks like he is missing a hard hat and a chain saw, on his way to do some loggin'. With no scrubs on, he then proceeds to put on a white apron to do the scope... looking like a straight up butcher now about to cut up some meat and that's when the gas which was strawberry scent puts me out. And that's it. I wake up and they tell me no cancer and that everything is alright.

I could not be happier! The past few weeks I have been a mess... I was preparing myself for the worst.. which in turn was making me crazy. Thank you to all my family and friends for being so supportive and amazing to me through all of this. This will be an experience that I wont soon be forgetting. Hopefully the blog wasn't to scary for anyone haha. Moral of the story... I still hate anything medical, and colonoscopy's = 0% fun.

12 comments:

TheKillerJ said...

I don't know what made me laugh more:
When the nurse first mentioned only the mentally handicap need the gas, or when she backpedalled once she figured out what she implied!

Awe, that was great. Thanks for not having anything serious, by the way!

mamasteph said...

I know I shouldn't be laughing....but...you definitely put a humorous spin on things! :) I'm glad everything turned out okay sis! Wish we could have been there to give you a big hug amidst all the tears!

Kim said...

I'm glad everything turned out ok...that you don't have cancer. Sorry you had to go through all that...I'm sure it was awful! Hope things are better now. Let me know if you need anything.

Ellie said...

Katch, that's awfual... CANCER SUCKS, and the thought of possibly having it sucks too. I have had a couple of scares, and think the doctors should just keep that to themselves until they know if you have it or not so you don't have to go through weeks of wondering...WE LOVE YOU and hope everything is going better let us know if you need anything.
Love Mechelle and Aaron

The Bombic said...

Wow. This makes me want to make sure I take very good care of my colon. :) So so glad it turned out to be okay. You rule sister!

The Brady Bunch said...

HOLY SHIT KATCH!! I'm so sorry for the stress, humiliation, and the fact that this post made me giggle-A LOT. I love ya to pieces and I'm so glad everything turned out well for you.

browneyedgirl said...

So I don't remember if you told me about the sample before, but I just laughed so hard while I read it. Bless your heart Katch, you are so cute! I am so glad it is all ok! Bet you won't ever look at popsicles the same, will ya? Love you!

M {3 said...

You are a trooper! What a story you tell and can make people laugh! I love you so much<3. I am sooo happy you only have to deal with the dreaded ointment application;)

Trey said...

that colon blast for me was money.. not evena little fun keech?

Shelley said...

Wow. I can't believe you had to go through all that. I'm sorry you've had such a rough time lately! Hopefully you can go do something fun now!

Celina said...

I heart you so much!! I am so glad it all worked out and you dont have the cancer!! I couldnt stop laughing! Im sure it was not funny at the time but you are the funniest person I have ever met and I am thankful I can call you a friend. I'm glad all that is over for you now! No more doctors!! Loves you dear!

Biggie T said...

I'm sorry you had to endure this "procedure" and all the humiliation but so glad to know that it was nothing serious. I think you need to go into comedy writing!